I should've expected it.

And honestly, it sucks to tell myself that it's okay. But, there's a lesson in all of it, even if it isn't my own necessarily.

The experiences I have in my own life I transfer to my services. Almost every single one. When my clients sit with me and share aspects about themselves, they learn a little bit of something about me, too. That is the energy exchange - any reader who is telling you "you pay me and that's the energy exchange" is a damned fraud. I'm not going to sugarcoat it.

Regardless, that's not the reason for this post today.

If you know me in real life, you know I have been exploring polyamory with my husband. It's been hard, don't get me wrong. He's had some terrible experiences, I've had terrible experiences. He's been stalked and threated, while I was used for an affair or as an emotional nursemaid for grown men who can't handle their own emotions. It's been a wild ride and we're quite exhausted of people in general at this point.

Yet, I met someone. And how amazing he has been - and that's quite far from the expected "new relationship energy" every person goes through in... Well, a new "thing." I'm still noting odd things, filing them away. But he's relatively new on his own healing journey, and that's been a big thing I've been noticing. I don't, nor ever, expect perfection. Gods know I have some of the worst red flags and I'm floored this boy hasn't tucked tail and ran.

Yet, there he is.

And I'm gods damned terrified.

He has a situationship, even if he won't call it that. Like I said, I've been noting the odd things and keeping track of them. I've been through quite enough in my life I will note even the most miniscule of things to keep note of them. Ridiculous, I know, but hey, that's ROCD for you.

His situationship isn't into the idea of polyamory. I have my own thoughts on it. I think it's ridiculous that she brings things like this up when they aren't committed to one another monogamously; it's as if it's keeping him trapped in a cycle that's going to prevent his own desires, wants, and needs. He had walked away before due to her refusal to seek professional mental health help and unwillingness to spend quality time with him with things he enjoys. (And don't worry, I did note the lovely things he's said of her. It wasn't "my ex is crazy!" by any means.)

And that's where the lesson is.

It's okay to love someone. It's okay to be afraid to let them go.

For one, it's not okay to trap someone in a "well maybe I'll look into getting help" and then just... Don't. It leaves them in a limbo. It leaves them wondering. Questioning. False hope is a fucking killer. It's kind of ironic, actually, since he's dealing with this while I am still healing from the idea of my mother refusing mental health help. I walked away, went no contact with her unless she sought help. She didn't and likely never will.

And two, it isn't okay to let someone control your own life. Which is really the deepest lesson here that resonates so highly with me. And yeah, I get it. "But they're not!"

Are they really not? Or are you making decisions that you feel trapped to make because you're afraid of hurting their feelings? Are you setting aside your own happiness, your own needs and wants, for them?

One of the biggest lessons I've learned in polyamory is freedom. It's a glorious fucking feeling to be able to choose and not have to choose. It's been a strange revelation in my own mental health journey that I can do things for me.

That's not to say I don't consider my husband's feelings. Of course I do. We talk a lot. It's so necessary! We have boundaries, rules, and expectations. We do our best and then some to work through any issues that arise. We still consider each other. Always. Every day. Every day we still choose each other, and every day, we choose ourselves, too.

Well, what about her?

What about her?

I feel for her. Gods, I do. I get it. She's afraid. She doesn't want to lose someone who means the world to her anymore than she already has. She's terrified of change because that means having to actually gaze at the wounds she has festering underneath the surface and actually force herself to clean them, tend to them, and stitch them back.

And fuck, that's painful.

I want to wrap her up in a warm blanket, give her some nice tea, and remind her she's adored. But that will do absolutely nothing to benefit her.

That will just enable her.

I know this. Because at some point in my life, I was her. I was her who just wanted the love, the adoration, and to sit in my own darkness and drag everyone down with me.

It took losing my damned mind many times over before I finally said enough was enough.

And I lost it again. And again. And again. Because anyone who has been on their own healing journey knows how fucking brutal it can be. You lose your entire sense of self repeatedly and have to question who you really are. You reach a point of light and you look back and think, "Holy fuck, I was kind of a piece of shit."

And suddenly the lights go out again because the pain of knowing the amount of hurt you caused feels like a stab to the gut.

But, my dear, you have to keep going. You can't give up. Take a break. Take a breather. Cry it out, but then you're going to get up, dust yourself off, and keep fucking going. 

I promise you, it's worth it.

I promise, those scars will stop itching when they heal properly this time. I'm not going to tell you that everything becomes perfect. Life doesn't suddenly look like a bundle of rainbows and sunshine. Life is a fucking right cunt.

But don't you want to be able to laugh at it and still find the rainbow amidst the gray clouds?

You have to want to be better to be better.

Upcoming Event

Very soon, I'll be in Owensboro, Kentucky! Come catch me at The Haunting of Mystical Moon Market.

The Haunting of Mystical Moon Market

When: October 17th, 2026; 11am to 5pm

Where: Owensboro Convention Center, 501 W 2nd St., Owensboro, KY

Event: An enchanting, spooky, and magical metaphysical market filled with local artists, makers, oddities, and witchy wares. Explore unique treasures and get a reading from one of our talented psychic readers. Costumes are encouraged and kids can trick-or-treat at participating booths while supplies last.